I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I don’t know you yet and I’m not sure if you have already been born or not.. but I’m thinking about you. I went through a scary phase earlier this month of not wanting children. I didn’t know if I could be a good enough mom, the kids that I had been interacting with left me hopeless, and your dad and I… well, the love is good. too good. and the selfish thought crept in that maybe you would disrupt it. but we had a serious conversation about you the other day. we have so much love between the two of us that it would be selfish not to share and that’s really just not us at all. I’m sorry for those previous thoughts but please know that that phase has made my love for you even stronger. I want you more than ever.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I don’t know what life before your dad and I will be like for you but please know how badly desired you are. I’ve been reading a lot of books on foster care and adoption recently and can only imagine what you will have to go through before feeling at home at last. it can’t be easy, I’m sure but know that we are at the end of the tunnel waiting for you. you might be bounced from foster care to foster care a few times or waiting in a third world country orphanage before coming home to us but we’ll be here waiting. I’ve even been thinking about what kind of ‘welcome home’ cake I will bake you! would you like chocolate or vanilla? sprinkles or just frosting?
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. what will your dreams and aspirations be? I want to discover you to your depths. will you be right-brained or left-brained? your dad and I… we will work our hardest to give you the world. if you want to be a surgeon, we’ll work to put you through medical school. if you want to be a gymnast, we’ll put you in gymnastics class as early as recommended. if you want to be a musician, we’ll get you the instrument of your liking. your dreams are our dreams.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. your dad and I, we started this adventure in our first year of marriage… an adventure to visit every american national park. I don’t know if you’ll like nature when we meet but I know that after a few adventures, you will. you won’t be able to avoid that love, that certain feeling of gratitude towards mama nature as the mountain breeze brushes your cheek, as the cold meadow stream tickles your toes, as you find peaceful solitude in the desert, and as the sun plays peek-a-boo with you through the forest trees. given the opportunity, you’ll love mama earth, I know it.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately… about how we are going to raise you. what parenting techniques are the best? are techniques too technical? will I end up raising a robot? I don’t want a robot, I want a human being complete with imperfections. I want your imperfections. I want you to experience life in its fullest. I want you to love overwhelmingly and feel feelings with great intensity.. even the not so nice ones. we’ll be there for every fall to help you stand back up from your first break-up to your first job rejection and further. life isn’t easy and I’m sure you will know that earlier than most but we will give you the strongest support system. take pride in your failures and learn from them, they won’t be the end.
I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately… about how you’re going to change the world. your skin might not be the same color as mine or your dad’s or your other siblings (did I mention that you’re going to have A LOT of siblings?) and your initial upbringing might not be ideal but your given circumstances will not define you. your dad and I are working in pediatric settings now, reading child development research books now, babysitting your cousins now so that we can understand the best way to tailor our parenting skills to you so that you will reach your full potential. and if all else fails, if you are even a tenth of what your father is, you’ll already be changing the world.
I can’t wait to meet you, my child. we’re going to have to wait a few years, five at the least but whatever your situation, don’t lose hope. we’re here waiting for you now.
love forevereverever and always,
your devoted mama
p.s. how could I forget… you’ll also get your own pup to grow up with!